We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
me + whiskey = a bad person
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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