i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
