I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
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