Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
