Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
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