Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
