why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
