i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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