i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
