i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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