so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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