I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
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