my phone needs a breathalizer
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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