My hand turned me down
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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