I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
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