and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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