can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
