Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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