So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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