The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
