Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
i think my cat just said my name.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
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