The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
