my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
