Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
i think i have herpe
just one?
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
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