Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
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