we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
