I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
