I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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