I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
