My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
You left your phone here
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