I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
Randomize
