shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
