READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize