also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I forget how to act sober
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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