The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Randomize
