Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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