I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize