I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
