i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
50% drunk capacity currently
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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