you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
