Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
