I murdered the dance floor call the cops
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
