Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Randomize
