dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Randomize
