just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
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