My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize