The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
this hospital has no fireball
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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