Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
