I love black thongs
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
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