I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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