I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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