maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
