I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
