I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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