Michael Bay diarrhea
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
When are your genitals available?
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
