did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
