I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
