Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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