she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
