Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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