I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
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