I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
