i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
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