I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
