this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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