the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
