anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Randomize
