Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
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